Re: ♡ snow flower.

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 10:14 pm

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ay mi corazón

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 10:18 pm

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baby boy~

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 10:29 pm

this is my favorite wanna one moment of 2017 ugh im crying blood

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 10:46 pm

Jaehwan practically sang 98% of Pick Me on GAON, we stan a vocal king

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 11:03 pm

por **sagittarius** Vie 16 Feb 2018, 11:25 pm

por **sagittarius** Sáb 17 Feb 2018, 11:55 am

why is everything and everyone so triggering this days

por **sagittarius** Sáb 17 Feb 2018, 12:53 pm

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that man's living my dream

por **sagittarius** Sáb 17 Feb 2018, 12:54 pm

ugh im so tired im going to take a nap

por **sagittarius** Sáb 17 Feb 2018, 1:12 pm

por **sagittarius** Sáb 17 Feb 2018, 1:48 pm

por **sagittarius** Dom 18 Feb 2018, 12:12 am

the most iconic character, EVER [Tienes que estar registrado y conectado para ver este vínculo]

por **sagittarius** Dom 18 Feb 2018, 12:13 am

sorry but if it's not captain yoo x herongie then i don't want it thnx

por **sagittarius** Lun 19 Feb 2018, 1:04 am

To be honest I don't know when or how or why i developed an eating disorder, but i did. it just went from counting calories to actually being obssesed, crying everytime i had to eat, weighting myself always, weighting and measuring everything i ate, doing too much exercise until i felt weak, worrying if lipstick or toothpaste had calories even, losing my period, feeling cold like 24/7, losing hair, almost fainting (never really fainted because my vision always became like black so i sat down fast and i just never really fainted), i lost from a healthy normal weight to a bmi of 13, my thoughts were only food like literally i only thought of food and calories and i wanted to die. An eating disorder felt like heaven and hell at the same time, hell because i eventually felt physically weak but heaven because i felt in control and strong. hell because i wanted to eat like a normal person, go to a restaurant and be able to eat a normal meal without crying, heaven because all the compliments about how skinny i was made me feel in power and motivated me. eventually, i realized, heaven was just the prettiest part of hell in disguise. i got to 34kg and tbh, i wanted more. i didn't feel like it was enough, maybe just wanted to get to 31kg, then to 29kg, just a little bit more to 25kg, maybe i just want to drop dead. maybe that's what i really wanted at the start, a slow way to kill myself. I never got to eat only 200 calories, and this is one of the reasons I felt less, everyone else with anorexia has probably at least reached this but the lowest I could get was probably 600 calories, maybe 400 a few times. But I conviced myself I was worth recovering, so hard to convince myself but I tried because I got to a point I couldn't go to bed without crying or waking up without crying, because I couldn't lay down on the floor without my whole body hurting. Sometimes I wonder why. why I wanted that?, I want it still.
I promised to recover and it's been longer than a year in recover, I've gained around 20-25 pounds, give or take. but emotionally i'm probably the same. I have this moments, like always, where I want to give up. How easy would it be for me to restrict food, restric sleep, restrict feelings. It's easier than feeling and being a body.
I feel terrible, because... I feel like one of those girls that comment stuff like 'give ana tips pls thnx i want to be anorexic' now that i'm close to fully physically recovering becase my family is triggering, restricting carbs and being obsessed with exercise, it's triggering and ana is screaming loudly 'do it', she's telling me to do exactly what i was doing before recovery, she's telling me i loved it and I know she's lying but oh god I do miss it. I want to be sharp edges and I want someone to care. No one cares anymore. I feel like an attention seeker because I want someone to ask me, just this once, if I'm okay. I feel like a fake anorexic, like everything I suffered doesn't exist anymore. I'm still obsessed with the number on the scale and the calories going through my mouth. I may be eating 3000 calories right now but it doesn't change the fact that I want to disappear, I want to lose all the fat and I want to rip my eyes and heart out. I guess I'm better than I was a year ago because at least I'm eating, but oh god I don't want to. I'm this close to giving it up all, I've hold it for enough time already, oh god I'm so exhausted. why me why me why me, she promised me only smiles and laughter, 'it never felt so good before'. Everyone around me is so triggering and I just wish they all shut the fuck up. All they talk is about how much I eat and diets. Can I just, this once, go back, hipbones, cold, no period, no hair, why does it all seem so good now? what the fuck is wrong with me?, I decided to recover because of this exact same reason, I felt nothing, nothing at all, except madness and depression. I hated it but she's telling me that's okay, she's telling me it's the best thing I could do and god I know she's lying but god I wish it was true. I've never been one to follow rules, I hate them. I will never recover right?, my scale is broke. I'm anxious, I don't think I can even go a week without weighting myself. What do I do?. I'm so scared of gaining weight, I want it to stop, I want everything to stop, it's too much for me to handle it.

por **sagittarius** Lun 19 Feb 2018, 1:18 am

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